2003-04-22 - 10:41 p.m.
okay so i am dying inside for kenny again. somtimes i just need him entirely too much in my life and i could see myself running off with him into nowhere to be a blue sky chaser. chris on the other hand is driving me crazy. i hated myself when i was like that. when i was at the point where everythin required an epiphany and i wanted change so bad i actually inhibited it because of my efforts. if i had just shut up and never talked about it i'm not sure it would have helped, but now that chris is that way(talks to much does little) i appreciate the people who stuck with me.thats why i am sticking with chris. i know eventually he will be better. I am waiting for the day he wakes up and doesnt think, but instead lives. then perhaps he will truly be vibrant and beautiful. i want to be ty a lot of the time and just be like, hey you have problems, get over it or i'm leaving, but i know in the long run that just fucked me over more. he motivated me because i cared so much what he thought, but i couldnt win, i was addicted to the challenge, not the actual support. there wasnt any actual support. i'm not even sure he beleived in me. i htink he just wanted to push me. thats not all bad, but chris is okay, i mean hes not just someone i picked up, so i guess he deserves more faith and effort. be the change you want to see in the world-ghandi
i like that one. i try to live it. i know i am short with chris but he is so grating on my nerves. i guess its not doing him any good, me putting up with it, if i am not going to be nice about it, but i remember somebody being better than nobody, even if they were mean. geck. this lifes just got me down. i dont want to get better. i want to waste away into nothing and be so thin you can count my wrinkles in my intestines. geck. save me coach, save me. butyou dont have any answers do you? just time and maybe an ear that is too much in awe to hear.geck.
punch
